Thursday, May 18, 2006

Writing with my heart . . . what is this?

Wonder if this is a well known story .. ?

Some little time ago. When I was watching TV over dinner:

" . . . this phenomenon of the Amazon greatly flowing reverse current is called 'POROROCA.' In the language of Amazonian Indians 'POROROCA' is the word that means 'destruction' . . . "


Gasp ! ! ! ! ( '@O @ )

P, POROROCA, they said POROROCA . . . !

It's a supermarket ! ( ' O ' )

POROROCA is the POROROCA of which we see the signs, right?? The POROROCA food market, right? I used to go there a lot when I was living in Gotanda! (me off the hook right now)
So does this mean I bought soymilk in "destruction"??

Puh. uphh. Gufffhw. Gufffaaaawwwwww!! I thought I'd faint in agony to death, buffeted by the tsunami of laughter that shaked my body like a boat tossed by big waves. Though I realized this a few years ago, I still come close to bursting into laughter like "hhm . . . upuhh!" every time I see the huge POPOROCA sign, small housewives go in and out under the sign and people with a bag that reads POPOROCA in their hand . . .

I'm conscious of "destruction" everyday.

Creation and destruction are an inseparable pair, right. You'll become unable to cope with your destructive urge if your life has been full of creation for years and years. That's why you need a little rest after production run, I guess.

I think, part of the job of being a mother is to destroy a part of her child. I think it would be nice if the child could understand it someday and thank her. (Cause you know, to give a birth to a new life could be the greatest production in this world! No wonder women have a bigger potential for destruction. There are a lot of self-destructive type of women who direct their potential inward, though.)

Even if you create things out of "nothing," it is still "reproduction" nevertheless. That's the feeling I get. Creators are like being born again each time, which is almost equal to dying each time. No massive destruction is no reproduction, I suppose.

It would be fine if it would take just your self-sacrifice, but if you relate to somebody around you, it may cause harm to them as well. I think that's not good. I think so but I just can't help it.

The best way could be to do both creation and destruction within your work, but seems like that's not how things work for me, I don't know if it is because I'm immature or every human being experience the same thing. To have the side-effects of your work spilled over your private life, is what everyone is worried about, isn't it.

If you are said "That's an excuse," that would make you feel so lonely. You may lock yourself in your room, being unable to go out.

Sometimes you find you have no idea what kind of a person you yourself are, don't you? I have this feeling that the image of "myself" is nothing but like a line easily washed away by the waves no matter how many times you carve it on sand. Sometimes I also have this feeling that the sea comes up and up, then swallows me and the small land I'm standing on all together.

I wish if I could be a fish and bird and human being.

Me that can only be found in my own inner world. Me that can only be found in the relationship with others.

I try not to think of it that much, because it kinda scares me.

Yesterday somehow I thought of it a little, when I passed by in front of POROROCA-san while I was moving.

( - _ -)=3 bURp ! !

So that's the end of the story about "destruction."