On the morning of August 22nd

On the morning of August 22nd, my mother ended her own life.

Let me talk about her a little bit here, since there seems to be a lot of speculation going around.

She had suffered from mental illness for a very long time.  It was very difficult to get medical treatment of her own will due to the nature of the illness, and I had always been trying to figure out what to do as a family, what would be the best for her.

I have watched my mother's illness progress since I was little.  The worse her symptoms became, the more distrust she had for people around including family.  The border between reality and delusion got fuzzy for her, and she had gradually lost control of her emotions and actions.  I couldn't do anything for her, just being tossed up and down.

I hope my mother is relieved of long suffering, then again her last act was so sad that a sense of remorse cannot stop welling up inside of me.

She often got misunderstood, but … very easy to scare yet hard-nosed, highly-conscientious, loving to laugh, quick-witted, impulsive and erratic like a kid, hasty - she was someone you just couldn't turn your back on, the cutest person ever.  What comes to my mind is my mother's laughing when I think of her, pushing past all kinds of sad memories.

I am proud of being my mother's daughter.  I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I have met her in my life.

I have a new appreciation for a lot of kind words and the fact that I am backed up by a lot of people.  Thank you very much.

August 26th, (Heisei) 25

Utada Hikaru