Thursday, September 05, 2002

Unconscious diary

I started to write diary when I was a child and since that time I've been leaving it without writing anything for about 3 days over and over...

I was wondering if there wasn't any update in the NEWS section or staff diary and then I was checking my own site just now. And casually I checked "message from hikki" (nobody would update that section when I don't know, but without losing my faint hope...(laugh)) and taking the opportunity I clicked "Back Number"... and then! There were texts from my youth's days, and I'm now fully loaded of good memories!! (doesn't it make remind of my old way of writing? (laugh))

Er... a chance to look back over my past is rare, and since these three years and a half have a dense content, I was soaked in the Hikaru of the past. First of all I read all 1999 year at a stroke!

Since I've debuted until nowadays, thinking that my job involves me in new experiences I've been trying to write the diary and giving up many times, but it's so great that this diary of three years and a half is left over here!

However, what is written here is not more than a little side of my life, so it's an enjoyment that can't be tasted by anyone but me... So, there are many things that I understand because it's me, like "Oh, at this season there are many cheerful expressions, but 'that thing' was like 'this' and 'that person' was like 'that' and it was a time in which it was hard to keep living every day... But I could manage it and overcame it.." or "At this time that person helped me so much!". Maybe you people who read my diary will feel a little disappointed because I said this.. However! I wrote a lot until here! (laugh) I was impressed with myself. It's natural, but at the beginning I was very inexperienced and unprepared and said things that hurt a lot of people, then I used to get worried and make corrections or supplements.. I was so cute when I was in trouble! (laugh) Now I understand very well that the act of keeping writing messages here made me grow so much! For people that I can't see, that I can only imagine, what can I do to be nice, to be watchful, how can I avoid expressions that can hurt, what words should I select for not being misunderstood, for transmiting sincerity...? People made me learn that the "nice person", the "big person", the "not indifferent person" that I want to become is in a brief "a person who has a large imagination"! Because a lot of people read my messages and retured various reactions by e-mail. Thanks a lot!

At the beginning, while feeling the pressure of the huge responsability of speaking to the public, I kept writing and learned how to cope and gradually got used to it. I thought I would apart beter private things and things that I write here, but I noticed that recently I'm writing things that I spontaneously think, without getting ready and more naturally than at the beginning.

It's a proof I became an adult!

However, I wonder how far this corner will go??? Isn't it getting to a spot that has nothing to do if I'm working or not? Will I keep writing even when I get old??? And then someday I will entrust it to a child as well as inheritances, and this child will succeed...?? Or if I'm pressed for money I will sell to someone! (laugh) No... nobody would have any profit owning this diary, except for me. It's undoubtedly a "valuable property." For me it is.

Well then, I'm gonna read the 2000 year over!

credits to Samurai @ HikkiCentral who originally translated this message.